Sardine Apologies

I.
when I was really little my mother made me her version of Gogol Mogol
an Eastern European cold remedy with hot water honey baking soda
a raw egg and Nestle Quik it was a brown pukey ochre
and I told her that I didn’t like it and that I didn’t want no more
because it was chalky from the baking soda and slimy from the raw egg
which later in life brought to mind the eggs-on-a-string from those Dali paintings
(the string somehow connecting to his mother I later learned)
and then when I was less little my mother made me Soup Harcho
and said that if I finished the bowl I would live to 100 like the Georgians do
and I told her that I didn’t like it and that I didn’t want no more
and I think that made her sad because she just wanted to see her daughter live to 100
because wouldn’t life be so beautiful then
and then when I was older she told me to eat whole wheat toast
because it would lower my risk for colon cancer
and I told her I preferred Wonder Bread and caramel thank you very much
and I think that made her sad because she just wanted to see her daughter live to 100
because wouldn’t life be so beautiful then

II.
my friend once asked me if I would ever drink a glass of someone else’s spit of course I wouldn’t do that that’s disgusting and then she asked me if my own spit was as disgusting to me and I said of course not ‘cause it’s my spit and then she said yeah well you should spit into a cup and then drink it and then I thought about it and said no way I couldn’t do that because I realized that that’s disgusting too and that only when you step away from your own disgustingness and look at it through a glass can you see how disgusting it really is and then my friend asked isn’t it funny how people with really bad B.O. are the last ones to know that they have really bad B.O. I said yeah that is pretty funny I guess and shifted uncomfortably in my seat

III.
in February my jaw started to get crunchy and I couldn’t eat caramel no more
the dentist said that the crunch was crepitus and that the joint was arthritic
and that I shouldn’t try for a whole yawn anymore
but for three-quarters of a yawn
so I practiced three-quarter yawns in front of a glass mirror
and realized that I will never be able to yawn a real yawn
which is no real tragedy of course but it was enough to give me pause.
and then my mother said that I was too young for arthritis
and that she heard on Russian radio that I should eat lots of
sardines for calcium and sunbathe for vitamin D
so we sat outside on the porch together under the winter sun eating sardines
which didn’t go down so easy because it tasted like spit in a glass
and then we talked about things like what life would be like if we each lived to 100